Recently I have been listening to a recording of a retreat held in Stockbridge, Massachusetts at Kripalu led by Krishna Das and Sharon Salzberg. Both are established in their chosen forms of expression, Krishna Das as one of the most well-known Kirtan (music) artists in the world and Sharon an established Buddhist teacher and author. It’s perfect listening during my commuting time around the desert.
Listening to this has led me to my thought of the week…that revolving story and, most often, limiting belief that we hold to be true about ourselves. It’s the same story, over and over again, often represented by different characters or scenery, but same plot.
It’s taken me some time to unearth my revolving story as these tales tend to be hidden deep within the psyches. The same repetitive dialogue has taken anchor within the cells and seems to be as much a part of us as our eye color. We believe that these stories are unchangeable truths, yet that would be an illusion. As soon as we begin to recognize the repeating theme, we can name it and, in doing so, the personal saga begins to lessen its grip on us.
My story began taking root back in my teenage gymnastics years and was reinforced throughout my adult life every time I didn’t get the job or make the cut. My story is about not being good enough. The person who comes in second, or misses moving onto the next round of competition by 1/10th of a point. Almost there, but not quite. The story is then compounded by deep disappointment, embarrassment and shame. I wanted to please my parents, coaches, teachers and bosses. I wanted to prove that I WAS good enough to seek their approval and feel worthy. On the occasions when that didn’t happen, the story became more embedded, seemingly more a permanent part of my identity.
And if I ended the story here it would seem like a real downer. But the good news is this…the story continues and I’m beginning to unravel and re-write it. My yoga and meditation practice has been the channel by which I’ve gotten to recognize my story in action. When those feelings of inadequacy arise I am now better able to hold myself gently and with compassion. As I step further along my path of purpose, I bear witness to how much I do know and how much I can do. As I age, I have lessened my vise grip on seeking approval and trust my intuitive sense of wisdom.
Although not gone, my revolving story doesn’t attack my sense of self-worth like it has in the past. When I hear my brain beginning to read my story to me, another part of me speaks up and says, “hey, it’s that re-run again…are you going to sit down and invest time in it or turn the channel?” My intention is to not only turn the channel, but to hit the mute button in the process.
So what’s your story? Do you recognize what it is? Be kind, be curious and recognize that you have the power to re-write it.
Have fun with that!
