Just as the gentle winter rains have tapped me on the shoulder recently, so have some gentle reminders falling from the Universe. These subtle signs and messages are always present, so the question isn’t whether or not they are showing up in our lives, but rather are we paying attention to them when they do. I was fortunate to notice one of my subtle messages this past week and heard it as I was walking and listening to a podcast with Eckhart Tolle. Someone had posed a concern to Tolle about an addicted sister and their desire to help her with their addiction, yet the person seemed somewhat unresponsive to the many supportive attempts the sibling was offering.
To this, Eckhart replied that ultimately, despite good intentions, only she is responsible for her own consciousness and that the well-intentioned sibling was only responsible for her own consciousness. “Ahhhh”, I thought, “that’s just the reminder that I needed”. I know I’m not alone when I say this, but I have this way of trying to “fix” things for other people. It can be seen in the work that I do in supporting people in expanding their own consciousness and connecting to their holistic selves. It’s a reflection of being a “pitta” dosha, having the constitution of “knowingness” and getting things right. And this particular reminder came at a time when I was chewing on some behaviors my Mother, who has dementia, has been experiencing. My reaction was trying to “make it better” for her, to find a “fix” for the problem.
However, the reality is that I can’t make it better for her as I have no control over her dementia and the roller-coaster of confusion and emotions that go along with it. Whether I like it or not, ultimately it’s her journey and the path that she’s been walking along for some 86 years. As her daughter, I can do things to support her along this journey such as ensuring she’s safe, feels loved, and receives comfort and non-judgment when she’s confused and can’t remember why she’s living where she’s living. But I can’t change her experience of what’s happening to her and my reminder was to acknowledge that what I do have control over is my reaction to bearing witness to someone I love. And the way to “hold the space” for such discomfort is to do my own work which focuses on my own consciousness and compassion.
In holding the illusion that we have control over things when we actually don’t, eventually leads to our own suffering. It’s cloaked in the costume of wanting to help others yet reveals that our own suffering deepens when it’s not ours to control. The support begins by supporting our own selves so that when we are face-to-face with suffering, particularly with those close to us, we see them with an open-hearted acceptance of where they are in that very moment. I can’t change it…only my reaction to it. Yep, it was a powerful reminder indeed.
My thought of the week is to notice what it is that’s reminding you to come back to your own practice. Maybe it is letting go of the things you can’t control or perhaps slowing down or saying “no” to something. It might be your desire to declutter your closet or connect to a friend you haven’t seen lately. Whatever it may be, the important thing is to notice when it’s grabbing your attention and to return to it…that IS your practice…remembering what supports you to be the best version of yourself and to stick with whatever it takes to make that happen.
The saying above “Not my circus, not my monkey” is relevant as we turn to our own process. It’s a gentle reminder to stay open to how our practice guides us and to take care of our own personal monkey.
