I have been paying visits to my yoga mat since 1993 and at first, it was just a casual, getting-to-know-you kind of relationship. We weren’t fully committed to one another until around 2003 when things started to get more serious. We were becoming entwined, missing each other if we missed a day together and, in July of 2006, I decided to have a go at making a complete and dedicated personal vow to being on my mat or meditation cushion every single day. Almost 15-years later, we’re still going strong. So how do I know that my time on my mat is making a difference in my life? How do I know that the countless hours and repetitions of OM have been working?
I was inspired to this theme by listening to Hala Khouri, one of the three founders of Off the Mat, Into the World. She was promoting her course on social activism and the following words resonated deeply with how I view this practice of yoga. To paraphrase, she said something to the effect of “I know my yoga practice is working not because my poses are getting better, but because my relationships are getting better.” Yes! I thought! And to me, one of the signs of this is that our relationship to ourselves is what gets better first. Each time we come to the mat we begin a conversation with ourselves, whether or not we realize it’s happening.
We often begin this practice from the physical aspect and the moment we start to move, our inner voice might say, “Wow…I’m tight here” or “There’s no way I’m able to do that pose” or “I’m getting so good at yoga”. The inner voice begins the running commentary as we sense our way through the practice. On another level, we might be having a conversation with our mental self, judging how we’re doing or being bombarded by a conversation we had prior to getting on our mat. Perhaps our emotions show up in the unexpected moment when a pose triggers us to tears, releasing and revealing some hidden truth that we’ve been storing in our tissues. And, over time, I think we sense experiences beyond our seeing eyes and tap into the mystical side of who we are.
For me, it’s the subtle realizations that my practice has allowed me to recognize the signs of discontent in my life and understand them in a larger context. For example, feeling agitated and snappy is a sign of something deeper. I’m not agitated and snappy for no reason…something has caused it. My practice has allowed me to dig below the surface and get to why I’m sensing what I’m sensing.
Grief has been a terrific arena to look at my emotional journey and respond in a way that’s aligned with how I wish to function in the world. With the death of my Mother over two months ago, I was sorting through what I hoped to be the final bastion of all she had collected. This has taken at least four other previous iterations over the past four years as she moved out of her house of 54 years into assisted living. With each move, more stuff was let go of and with Ma being an organized pack rat, to say there was a lot of stuff is an understatement. As I sorted through some photos, I came across one that triggered me back into the trauma of my Dad’s death 39-years ago. What followed was three days of being irritable and unable to articulate why I was feeling that way. Then, in a moment of clarity, as I was on an early morning walk, moving and breathing rhythmically, I was struck by the realization that I had been re-traumatized by one photo in particular. In that moment, it was as though I released a massive and emotional exhale. It was such a relief to recognize the source of my discontent and in doing so, I was able to move the stagnant energy that surrounded it.
I know it was those many hours of sitting in meditation and allowing myself to feel the experience of life through my body that unveiled this revelation. I also know that if I didn’t have the consistency of my practice under my belt, who knows how long I would have stayed in the state of agitation. By recognizing yet another layer of grief, even 39-years later, I have been able to move the energy and heal a little bit more.
How has the effort in your yoga practice showed up in your life? Feeling off? Look at what’s been happening on all levels of your being. The gift of my daily practice is not that my life is hard, but when hard days show themselves to me, my practice is my rock, allowing me to hold steady.
I know this also to be true…it’s about finding spaciousness and grace. When I can sit with all that is happening, in a space of non-judgment and compassion, not only am I kinder to myself, but I’m kinder in general. My relationships have gotten better, especially the one to myself.
